Quantamama Mambo

Watching the Skies

2008-05-23T21:22:00.000-07:00

I have a healthy fear of tornadoes having lived in Colorado all my life. OK, maybe it’s not all that healthy, it’s a bit paranoid really. Healthy as in: it’s kept me alive so far.

Amazingly, with all the tornadoes I've seen or been close to, a dozen or so, I've never actually been in a building that sustained damage. I've even lived in a trailer (and God hates trailers, I'm sure of that.)

My experience is that most of them touch down east of I-25 (so I'm safe right? riiiiiiight) and they're rare in the metro area. Of course I was living just west of 25 when one hovered above the house. Another time a tornado took the roof off our neighbor's barn in the middle of the night. Had the tornado hit our trailer, I’d be dead and not even know it yet.

Truly, I'm not prepared for a disaster either. We lost power for an hour or so and I got nervous about why. My first concern is always weather when the power goes out. So, I went out front and looked at the sky to the west. Unfortunately that was the completely wrong direction as this storm system was flowing backwards from the usual way. It took me awhile to realize that oh, the sky is getting cloudy to the east.

Then I found my radio & scrounged enough batteries to put in it, only to discover that it still didn’t work (there’s a switch to flip from AC to DC...sigh). Called CB and let him know to watch the weather for me since I had no power. Then I thought, hey! I’ve got a charged laptop, I’ll find out what’s going on. Then I realized, um, duh, no wireless router. Sigh. Did I think to plug into a phone jack? No, I wasn’t thinking straight.

As the sky got darker, I decided instead to gather water and pillows and blankets just in case. It wasn't frantic, I didn't want to scare the kids, but I was distracted. I started checking out my food situation, which was pretty slim. I was hungry but nothing looked good, and I hadn’t been to the store. So I gathered what I could, just in case.

If a tornado hit my house, hopefully I'd be alert enough to get everyone to the basement and as protected as we could be. I know that when the sky starts turning bizarre colors, it’s time to duck. I know to stay away from windows, and what to do if I'm caught outside.

But tornadoes are fast; they hit and they're gone. A stockpile of food and clean socks probably isn’t going to help much. Although if you’re having to stay in a shelter for a week because your house has been deemed unsafe after a tornado, an emergency pack would come in handy.

The one that worries me a bit is that if we had to evacuate because of something toxic on the highway, or something along those lines. Something like that would require finding matched socks, clean underwear, food, and important documents to take with us in a big hurry. I’m lucky to make it out of the house with everything I need on minor trips out of the house.

My favorite realization of the day was that TiVo is great for weather updates. I finally realized, after watching the same daycare footage in Windsor for the third time, that duh I didn’t have to watch it again. I didn’t need to watch the weather continuously, I just had to scan the last 10 minutes and try to glean any useful new information. And if I wanted to re-read one of the messages that scroll across the bottom, the rewind button worked.

As long as you have power, that is.

Planning My Own Surprise Party

2008-05-14T23:08:00.000-07:00

LoveMunch told me a few weeks ago, "Mama, when it's your birthday we should all yell surprise and then hide!" I cracked up and told him, "well that's nice, but don't you think you should be telling someone other than me?"

Then I thought about it a bit more and decided it was a good idea. So I'm having a not-quite-40, nearly-surprising, surprise party. My best friend is going to take me out several hours before the party starts, so as to not "spoil the surprise." When I get home, everyone can yell surprise.

And if they want, then they can hide.

I wanted to do something slightly different and memorable for my 39th birthday. My 29th was quite significant, 29 was a great year with huge changes. So far, this year has seen quite a few changes too: new car, new laptop, new clothes, changing my eating and exercise habits, just painted our house a new color, and, of course, my new/old hammock.

I think it all bodes well for this year. And I think LoveMunch will love the opportunity to have a surprise party.

Going to my happy place

2008-05-14T13:09:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to me! CB put up my hammock on Sunday. I've had it for 4 years or so now, but once we moved to this house we didn't have anywhere to put it up.

It was CB's idea to hang it in our bedroom (I married a genius!) Rather unconventional seating, but it makes me happy and our bedroom is big enough. So here I sit typing away on my laptop in my hammock, the kids are having some quiet time, and I am too!

I fell in love with this hammock when I was 13 or so, hanging out at Hangouts on the Pearl Street Mall. I didn't get it until I was in my mid-30's. Sheesh! talk about delayed gratification.

I've already had some lovely moments chatting with each of my kids in the hammock. It's not really comfortable with two kids (too many knees and elbows), so it's a one kid at a time deal. It is wonderful to sit and really be with my son. Singing songs and cuddling. Monday, I had a nap in it. Who could ask for a better Mother's Day present?

Blatant Bribery and Learning to Give

2008-05-12T09:13:00.000-07:00

I took my kids to the thrift store and ended up resorting to outright bribery to get them to at least pretend to be civilized. If you'll just be patient, let my look at one more thing, you'll get a treat.

I worked hard to find a toy that wasn't broken, didn't make obnoxious noises, and most importantly didn't cost much. We found a plastic bag filled with beanie baby sized animals at the thrift store for $3.

As we were waiting in line I was thinking, “Oh crap! Just what we need....more toys!” But I bought them anyway, as it would've been much harder to put them back at that point.

The first thing they did was pick out their favorites. When we got home they lined them all up in the sleeping bag, turned off the lights and sang them lullabies; shushing me and making sure I stayed quiet. Awwwww.

The next day we went to play with some friends from our homeschool co-op and SuperBob decided on his own to pick out beanie toys for each of them. These kids were so excited to get a present! And SuperBob had so much fun giving them away. The oldest came to me later and asked, "Is this really for me to keep?" When I told her yes, she danced around singing about how she got a new monkey. All the kids had a toy and they played all sorts of games with them at the playground.

In a moment of questionable parenting I bought a big honking bag of little toys that we didn't need. And amazingly it became an opportunity for me to observe that my boys are learning some of the important things in life, like how to give to others, show compassion, and let things go.

That was the best $3 I’ve spent in a while.

Party Weekend (part 1)

2008-05-12T09:05:00.000-07:00

The date on this is wrong, since I didn’t post it when I wrote it....this was April 25th & 26th.

What a weekend!!!! It was a party a party party weekend!

We went to Ms Sooz’s house Friday night for her hubby’s 40th surprise birthday party. It’s so good to see them, and I’m so happy to experience the fact that John is still alive.

No, no battles with fatal diseases, no car accidents. He’s just the kind of guy who likes to blow up islands and pick up rattlesnakes for fun. From the stories,and the video, I didn’t really even consider that he’d grow up. 40???? A father and husband? No way! If I could go back in time with that piece of information, it wouldn’t be believed.

From the first time I met him and breathed fire at him for being rude (and nearly burned his eyebrows off....sorry about that part) he struck me as an interesting person. Because of John, I know what C4 is, I discovered an aptitude for Aikido, had some interesting adventures that started at the “Bring Me Men” bridge, chased bad guys, and I’ve been generally entertained. So many tidbits, so many stories!

Congrats John! I’m impressed and thankful to have known you for so long. And the party was great! Loud rowdy party, good mohitos and SuperBob is still talking about the chickens with the furry feet.

Saturday morning first thing, I ran around and got the errands for the mother blessing handled. I feel like such a procrastinator, at least I had the teacups early. The weather was quite interesting, typical Colorado spring weather...everyone got different weather essentially. Rain, yellowish clouds like a thunderstorm with occasional heavy snow, wind and the accompanying flying flower petals, freezing cold, and within an hour or so, mild and warm.

Then I ran home to the land of utter stress, unpacked some groceries, loaded whiny kids and went to Lowe’s to build a project. They’re getting so good at building things, it’s so cool! SuperBob actually figured out the instructions and showed his Daddy how to do it! And LoveMunch didn’t hit me with a hammer even once -- simple pleasures!

My house was the site of the kids’ party while we had the mother blessing, so after a bit of frantic cleaning and set up at my house, I ducked out and went to Jess’ house to go help setup and calm down. I went from jeans & T-shirt to skirt & blouse in about 5 minutes flat and took my curlers out on the road. Whew!!!

The mother blessing was wonderful and beautiful and for all intents and purposes went the way it was planned. Thank you Jess for being such a wonderful party planner and gracious hostess. We didn’t have enough teacups and we didn’t get to do the henna, but there were beautiful stories, tears and laughter. It was lovely.

Then we shuttled all the kids and Daddies from my house to Jess’ house and they hosted a BBQ. The food was great and the company was splendid. Jessica throws spectacular parties!

Controlling Bastard

2008-05-12T08:48:00.000-07:00

Why would I call my husband “Controlling Bastard?” I know it makes me sound like a raging bitch with issues to spare, but really it’s just a pet name.

I’m just not the type to go for things like schnooky, sweetheart, honeybunch. Gag. I’m tired of calling him my hubby, and while “Dear Husband” is much sweeter, I wouldn’t want to give the wrong impression....I’m not that sweet.

CB was married before me and apparently his ex had major issues with his attitudes. Their therapist told him, “I don’t know what you’ve done to this woman, but she thinks you’re a controlling bastard!” He told me that story early in our relationship and it made me laugh, he was such a sweet, considerate guy....who could possibly think he’s a controlling bastard?

Since those early days, I’ve seen glimmers of why she called him that. While he has his moments of trying to control everything around him, including me, I treat it as a challenge and use it to notice how strong I’ve gotten these days. I have no issue telling him, “No thanks, I’m doing this now.” Although sometimes, when I'm in a hurry and stressed, it does come out as, “Bite me!”

I love him dearly, and my life would be more lonely without him. He supports me emotionally and financially, he is father to our children, he listens to me when I have important things to say and when I’m blathering on, he shares my hopes and dreams, and he takes care of me and loves me even when I feel and look like crap. I call him CB with love in my voice and my heart.

Just Getting My Head Together

2008-05-07T18:20:00.000-07:00

Does any more really need to be said? I've been having too much fun with my new computer.

Thankfulness

2008-04-21T09:44:00.000-07:00

I worked out yesterday, took it very easy, but I've got a few slightly sore spots.

It's really wonderful to have a pain in my body and know that it's pain with a good outcome; instead of worrying what my body is trying to tell me.

No, I'm not having a nosebleed that I fear is a cerebral hemorrhage. I try hard not to be paranoid, but sometimes it's difficult not to worry about the strange aches and pains that I experience.

Life is good and I'm so thankful.

Been away for a loooooong time!

2008-04-21T07:45:00.000-07:00

OK, I'm back. I had a wild adventure in homeschooling over the last year and completely dropped off the blogging world.

I'm back for a few reasons. One of the biggies is this wonderful new MacBook my sweet hubby bought for me. The other is that my dear friend, Jess, who really isn't a bitch no matter what some people seem to think, will be moving soon and this is the best way for us to stay in touch.

For those of you who don't know me I'm happily married to a man I lovingly call Controlling Bastard, trust me, it's a pet name. We have two growing boys SuperBob and LoveMunch, two cats Jaguar and Mercedes, and Steve the fish. Life is crazy, but good.

I've got to run and buy some nifty teacups and get SuperBob to his speech therapy appointment, but I'll be writing more soon.

Discovered A Familiar Community...I Mean Communati

2007-06-04T14:20:00.000-07:00

Hurrah! Someone stepped up to the plate and created a site very similar to WritingUp (and it wasn't me!) There are a lot of WritingUppers who have migrated there and it's starting to feel like old home week. My blog there is http://communati.com/main/blog/quantamama

I'll still continue my blog here because I like that anyone can leave comments, but I can already tell that I'll be over at communati quite a bit. The features I've been missing most here at Blogger and other sites are the Recent Posts and the Recent Comments.

I like being able to see what other people are reading and commenting on. There's interaction and games to be played. It's easy to see what the latest buzz is about and sometimes the comment titles get me to read a post I would have otherwise skipped.

I have missed the community that I found at WritingUp and I have hopes that it can be recreated and improved upon at this new site. Here's to hope!

Xeriscaping Rebelliousness

2007-05-16T11:18:00.000-07:00

Giggle snort! I'm starting to feel a bit surly and devious.

Yesterday, I borrowed a gas mower from my nice neighbor across the street. I'm so glad that I did as I got my visit from code enforcement last night. She was very nice and we talked about the areas that I couldn't get with the lawnmower. I have a few more days to make everything ship-shape.

Apparently, there have been THREE complaints from neighbors about my yard. Of course she couldn't tell me who they were from or even if they were all from the same person or 3 different people. No one has said one negative thing to my face about my yard.

I feel that the person(s) who complained is a cowardly tattletale. Now I feel the need to share my thoughts and I'm not sure who to share them with. So I'm plotting and planning (mwa-ha-ha!)

I think I'm going to put a sign in my front yard. I'm torn between a whole letter posted up front and a small chalkboard where I can write slogans and thoughts of the day. Maybe I'll do both.

My first thought is: I FORGIVE YOU FOR YOUR COWARDICE.

I read the ordinance about weeds and it says that grasses need to be under six inches. I'm a bit tempted to keep everything at 5 inches just to be a bitch. It would take more work, but right now it feels worth it.

I am continuing to plant my flowers and smile as I do it. I will purchase a weed whacker & use it on the grass. And I am saddened that now I'm suspecting my neighbors of being narcs.

The second thought is: I am surrounded by intelligent adults unafraid of confrontation.

This is going to be a fun project!

What I can't believe, is the narc didn't turn me in last year. I mean, c'mon, I covered the whole flipping yard in cardboard. Sheesh.

Xeriscaping Crabbiness

2007-05-15T08:42:00.000-07:00

I received a warning from the city that my weeds and grass were too tall and need to be cut or I'll be issued a citation. This is year two of my xeriscaping project. Last year, we completely took out the front lawn and I'm slowly getting flowers established and it's getting prettier all the time. But in the meantime the crabgrass has come through the mulch.

We have a cool electric lawnmower and it looks like the battery isn't holding a charge. Sigh. So I've been out pulling up crabgrass by hand and there is no way I'm going to get finished before the weed police will be back by here today. I've covered part of the crabgrass with mulch just to make it look better temporarily.

But I'm really considering saying, "hey, I'm cultivating low-water native grasses here, get off my back already!"

Tired Mama Says: "This is a lot of F'ing WORK!!!!"

2007-05-09T18:25:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling that staying at home with my kids has been one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever had. And really I haven't been able to say why it's harder than working full time (without children.) It doesn't look that hard on the surface, I mean, I stay home and play with the kids and take care of the house. Kind of a no-brainer.

But I haven't been very happy just lately. I’ve been questioning whether or not I’m depressed or just becoming a generally unhappy person. And then today, it hit me and I know what a big part of the problem is.

The problem is that I spend most of my time in private. In public I try harder. In private, I don’t have to suck it in, hold it in, keep my pants and shoes on, or maintain at least a semblance of pleasantness and patience. At home, if I’m tired, I take a break. If I’m hungry, I eat some food. If I don't do these things, I get progressively crankier and nastier.

Of course, now that I have kids, my privacy isn’t very private anymore. But it’s still just my family and when we’re home things get more relaxed, which is a wonderful thing and necessary. And too much of it gets to me.

I begin to feel overwhelmed by the amount of Work there is to be done. And more often than not I end up frozen like a deer in headlights unable to start anything because I don’t know where to start. Then I have time to brood and feel guilty that I’m not getting things done.

Too much time relaxing the rules in private is difficult. I start to feel like I’m always going to look sloppy, a bit too fat, with boogers on my shoulder and band-aids in my pocket. I have very few scheduled events and often very little direction beyond surviving the day. Home is where the kids can be much more loud and obnoxious than I would allow in public, except on the playground.

I know that getting out of the house and going out in public with my children more often is NOT the answer. Talk about an easy way to make a simple task more stressful. Driving in rush hour traffic and getting the tartar scraped off my teeth are now restful activities in comparison. And then I’m tired and have to come home to the house that didn’t get cleaned before we left.

I love my children and for the most part I think I do a pretty good job as a mama. And I’m tired; emotionally and physically. I’m tired of the constant whining. I’m tired of car seats. I’m tired of fixing food they won’t eat. I’m tired of being the bad guy. Everything is just harder. And I don’t think this attitude is helping.

I want to feel happier more of the time for my own sake and for my kids. So is the answer to adopt more schedules and routines into my life? Or is it that I need to revamp my attitudes and beliefs about housework and childcare? Do I need drugs? Am I just not cut out to be a happy mama? Or is it just that I’ve been socialized to believe that I am entitled to be happy? (I think Americans in general seem to have this “problem”.)

It seems that there are plenty of Moms out there who get it all done and they do it while they’re smiling and happy. I suspect that I’m only seeing their public face. My daily reality is that most of being a stay at home mom really sucks. Luckily my children are extremely cute and provide warm fuzzies from time to time and then they go back to acting like whining, destructive mess machines.

My dentist asked me tonight about what we’re going to do for Mother’s Day and I told him that I hope I’m going to breakfast…all by myself. That’s about the best present I could ask for right now.

The Shortest Christmas Carol Ever

2007-05-09T06:19:00.000-07:00

We were picking things up before going to bed last night and my two-year old son was balking a bit. I grinned and sang the first line of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, "You better watch out...." and then paused for a sec. His response was "AIIIIIIIGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!! YOU BETTER WATCH OUT!!!!!!" and he ran away from me screaming.

I laughed out loud thinking about years to come and singing Santa Claus is Coming with these great new lyrics always. I can see my kids saying, "What, you mean there's MORE words to that song??"

The Plastic Nature of My Current Reality

2007-05-04T13:46:00.001-07:00

Sometimes it feels like EVERYTHING is wrapped in smooth, crinkly, cold, and difficult to open plastic bags, pouches, cases, and coatings. I live in what I believe to be a typical suburban home in a pretty typical American lifestyle and my realization is that I’m surrounded by plastic. I can count 30 plastic things in my field of vision as I type this.

I sleep on an air bed made of rubber and plastic, I can see well because of my disposable contacts and my lightweight glasses, almost every aspect of my personal grooming involves plastic, usually disposable from my toothbrush to razor. Sometimes I use it for money and sometimes I use it for sex.

I communicate almost exclusively through plastic via computers, phones, faxes, and the nifty UPS signature pad. I can type my thoughts and share them with the world because of plastic. I still talk to people in real life of course. To talk with them I usually drive my car which is mostly plastic, especially the parts I touch to operate it and the parts that break and are most expensive to replace.

The food that I eat is frequently in plastic containers, and then I prepare that food with plastic utensils on non stick cookware and eat it on plastic dishes. And clean them with my plastic scrubbie and put them in my plastic lined and coated dishwasher. When it breaks I throw it away, and it all will break at some point.

Plastic is ubiquitous in my life. Every aspect of my daily reality involves plastic at least some of the time. We have luxuries and conveniences beyond measure. It saves lives and gives us happy meal toys and helps to keep cancer sticks “fresh”.

My husband said to me the other day something about how humans could have possibly fucked up the planet so quickly that we could seriously affect the climate. I mean, humans have been around for how long and we have had no noticeable impact.

Ummmmmm....how many people are tossing out tons of used, dirty or broken plastic trash? And best yet, we put it in plastic bags to keep it all neat.

My realization is that we are a civilization who has become dependent on “disposable” plastic items that we use and then bury in the ground. It frightens me a bit that I have grown up thinking this is normal. Just bury it in the ground and it's all taken care of.

With this kind of disconnected thinking and living how could we NOT throw things out of balance? Everything has to be clean, neat, good smelling, and individually wrapped. Our food, our neighborhoods, our relationships are all affected by this kind of thought.

Do I have any great answers? Of course not, I'm a product of this kind of thinking. I continue to drive to the store to buy bread wrapped in plastic that I then throw away. I do recycle to the extent that I throw all my recycling in the commingled recycling box that gets picked up every 2 weeks trusting that it doesn't just get dumped in the landfill.

But awareness is a start, right? I'll ponder it as I nuke my individually wrapped bagel dog.

I Have No Problems In My Life

2007-05-04T13:42:00.000-07:00

Truly, in the larger scheme of things, my life is nearly perfect and for that I am profoundly grateful. My kids are doing well and growing and learning new things every day. My family is loving and relatively healthy and close in spite of the physical distance between us. We have enough money for food, shelter, and clothing. And I’m truly blessed that I get to stay home with our kids.

I sometimes get depressed and overwhelmed by the amount of stuff that needs to get done. I get cranky when I'm tired and stressed by the responsibilities in my life. I'm getting older and things are hurting when I get up in the morning. It would be nice to have a bit more money. I clean up a lot of nastiness and spend a lot of time changing diapers. Sometimes I'm not terribly happy.

But in reality, my problems are pretty small.

I had a bunch of family events going on in the last five days which is stressful in itself. I was really sad when they all left. I regret that I’m not getting to see my niece and nephew grow up because they live so far away. I blame myself that I haven’t made more of an effort to be involved in their lives.

I tried to take a bunch of pictures and video but it was a doomed effort it seems. At the first couple of events, I had dead batteries and no spares because my darling 2-year old had cleaned out my camera case. My hubby made a point to get me fresh batteries and I took pictures when I wasn’t chasing kids. At least I got a few.

Then we went to the Museum of Nature and Science and somehow my $300 digital camera is gone, with all my pictures, because I hadn’t downloaded them yet. We don’t know what happened, I gave the camera to my husband to hold for me after I took some video of the kids playing astronaut. He doesn’t remember setting it down, I don’t remember getting it back from him.

I strongly suspect that someone stole it off his shoulder. I hate to think that someone would stoop to stealing from a blind man, but my cynicism tells me that his cane makes him an easy target. I trust that if this is what happened that the person who took it will reap the “rewards” of stealing. You get what you give after all.

The camera is just a thing; it can be replaced at some point. But the pictures I captured are probably gone forever. I’m trying to forgive, and I’m still crying, but in the larger scheme of things it’s not a big problem.

So, we don’t have enough money to replace my camera right now, and the engine light is on in the car, and my husband is slowing going blind, and I’m fatter than I want to be, and my microwave is dirty, and the mountain of laundry needs to be put away, and my foot hurts, and my kids drive me nuts sometimes. Life goes on.

Thanks to my friends and family I have a whole laundry list of problems that I’m glad I don’t have. Here’s just a few in case you need a bit of perspective too:
1. I don’t have a pregnant teenager with cervical cancer
2. My basement didn’t flood in the last rainstorm damaging the foundation of my house
3. I’m not getting evicted
4. My husband isn’t in Iraq
5. I’m not getting divorced or separated
6. I’ve never gotten into a physical fight with my husband
7. I know exactly where my children are right now
8. I haven’t spent a sleepless night in the airport in years
9. Neither my family or myself has a drug problem
10. I’m not going to prison and neither is the father of my children
11. I’m not paying on a car that is no longer drivable
12. I’m not starving
13. I’m not so fat that I need help to walk
14. I don’t take a bunch of prescription drugs
15. I haven’t had a botched eye surgery
16. I like my in-laws and none of them live with me
17. The police aren’t knocking on my door
18. My house isn’t dirty enough to invite the Clean Sweep people to come and clean it out
19. We didn’t owe thousands on our taxes

I have no problems in my life. I am truly blessed.